Is it just me or are personality tests becoming a popular read on social media newsfeeds? I often share my personality discoveries on social media, as do many others. I love finding others who are similar to me. Maybe it makes me feel less crazy. Less manic. More normal.
I’m a personality test addict. You name it, I’ve probably taken it. For the better part of my life, I feel like I’ve been on a crusade to figure myself out. Not because a catastrophic event has happened to me to cause me to question my being. But, because, I often live inside of my head, conjuring demons and rehashing every conversation and social interaction every single day, just because, well, I always have. It’s me. I spend time in bed at night replaying the events of the day over again in my mind, wondering if people are mad at me, or if I said/did something that offended someone, because, sadly, I stick my foot in my mouth more times than I can count. Regularly.
As someone who perpetually asks the “why?” questions, I have a deliberate and innate desire and need to understand who I am. More specifically, why I let so many things to get to me. Why I’m so sensitive. And why I just can’t get over “it”. (Insert “it” to be every possible daily scenario.) And why I need to know WHY about all of it.
Of the dozens of personality tests I’ve taken, the “why?” question seems to continuously linger in the air, hovering like an unwanted friend that I both find annoying and reassuring at the same time. Uninviting, yet comforting, this “why” question drives me to understand my inner workings. Without it, I am not me. This why is my life quest. My worry.
My constant worry is other’s perception of me. The perception of others means I constantly question myself, making me overly sensitive. My sensitivity drives my emotions. My emotions tend to be propelled by how those around me act and feel. My need to make other’s happy feeds my constant worry, am I succeeding in making others happy? My constant worry is other’s perception of me. The perception of others means I constantly question myself, making me overly sensitive. My sensitivity drives…
you get it. The cycle continues, as you can see.
I feel strongly that we all must find ways to constantly be self-reflective and improve, if for nothing more, than to be better human beings, in a world gone mad. I want so badly to understand myself completely, so that I can grow my strengths to be more like Christ, and turn my weaknesses into strengths, still, to grow to be more like Christ. My human body will never attain this perfection, but I know it is my joyful calling.
It is our calling.
“You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.”-John 13:13-17
I desire to know why I am the way I am-sensitive, always worrying about others, needing to be expressive (ahem, you’re reading my blog)-because, in my best moments that are not driven in selfish desires–like chasing ‘why’ questions to satisfy my own need to feel loved, appreciated and accepted-I truly feel a strong calling to make the world a better place. It’s cliche’, especially these days. But, it’s true.
The older I get the more I appreciate my “why” cloud that follows me. It is unwanted because I’d love moments of reprieve where my brain would just shut down from all the noise that my irrational mind creates. Yet, the “why” also motivates me. I wouldn’t be the person I am without it. This perpetual question I ask of myself defines me in every way. It shows up in every personality quiz.
Why am I not good enough?
Why am I not appreciated? (And why do I NEED to feel appreciated)
Why am I so opinionated, yet so sensitive and apologetic when I do express myself? (It’s so confusing to me!)
Why am I so drained?
The debate of nature vs. nurture will probably always remain until some scientific discovery is made that can determine the specific personality traits of our inheritance.
Until then, I think it’s the questions we ask ourselves, or, in some cases, maybe the ones we don’t ask because we choose to ignore them, that are the ones that make us who we are. They send us on a path of recovery. And if we listen close enough, on a spiritual one.
Why am I not good enough?
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.- 2 Corinthians 12:9
Why am I not appreciated? (And why do I NEED to feel appreciated)
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”-Colossians 3:23-25
Why am I so opinionated, yet so sensitive and apologetic when I do express myself? (It’s so confusing to me!)
Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful-2 Timothy 2:23-24
Why am I so drained?
Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light. -Matthew 11:28-30
In Christ, we are enough. In Christ, we are appreciated. In Christ, we should not apologize for. In Christ, we find rest.
Knowing this, I know I will still worry. I will always ask why, because I am an imperfect human with an imperfect mind and body. But, I can only pray my mind is drawn back to Christ and how I need only to rely on him for answers I will never get on this Earth.
The emotional and sensitive people like me who just want to understand themselves so we can rest at night will continue to dig in our curious and bewildered state, wondering… “How do the 8s do it?”…
(Oh, please, 8s, tell us 2s your ways!)
…
In a way that proudly displays my credentials just as any college degree would add abbreviations behind my name, have you guessed me yet?
ENFP. Obliger. 2w3. Hufflepuff (with Ravenclaw a close second). HSP.
To all my fellow empathic, compassionate and sensitive-you are enough.
If all of this sounds foreign to you I would love to share in the world of enlightenment, fun, and discovery.
If none of this interests you at all, and you’re already reading this, rolling your eyes at what I’m saying, or unphased, well, then, you’re probably ISTF. Rebel. 9. Slytherin. And not as highly sensitive as me. And that’s okay! But, if anything, I hope you will take the time to get to know your friends and loved ones. To understand them and how they operate. I think the greatest thing we can do as humans is to get to know one another, help one another, and support one another. Just by understanding the little things about how each of us operates sets us on a path to make a difference in one another’s life, hopefully in an impactful way.
May you go down a path of your self-discovery to make this world just a little bit of a better place.
Discover who you are. What drives you. What sets you apart. What motivates you. What hurts you. What weakens you. And what connects you to others. Find out your why. Then, use it to change the world.
Follow these links to learn more about who you are. I’d love to know who you are, too!
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