I do not cook. Not because I don’t want to (well, actually I don’t want to) but mostly because there have been many kitchen disasters for me. Serious disasters that have spanned over our 10 year marriage. Let’s review some. (In no particular order.)
- I decided to go easy one night and make spaghetti. Not by hand. All the boxed stuff. I opened the noodle box, boiled the water, put the spaghetti in. Then, I took out the can of spaghetti sauce I was going to use, popped the pop-top lid, peeled it back and managed to slice the inside of my hand on the edge of the tin. While the blood matched the color of the sauce, it was still discernible and deep. I had to go to the ER to get a tetanus shot and to get it wrapped up. I was hesitant to open pop top lids for a time. They have a mind of their own!
- One night I got a wild idea to make a roast for my husband and I. He had just returned from a deployment, so while he was at work I spent the day figuring out what I was going to make. Why not go “easy” and do a roast, right? (What was I thinking?) When I turned the oven on to preheat apparently I turned the dial to “Broil” instead of “Bake”. Do you see where this is going? When the timer went off a few hours later I had a beautiful looking roast with accompanying delicious carrots and potatoes. Michael and I sat down to a candle lit dinner. I mention this because the fact that we couldn’t see was important to the next part of this, where Michael cut in to his roast, which seemed normal looking on the outside in the dim light, and he began to chew. Next thing I know he is coughing, standing up, and choking. He motions me to help him and manages to utter that I start the Heimlich maneuver. Now, he’s 6’6 so this meant I had to climb on top of a chair to get a good hold on him. This seemed to help slightly but he was having difficulty breathing, saying he was certain it was lodged in his throat. After doing what we could for about half an hour at home, we loaded up and headed to the ER. We were seen almost right away. The doctor immediately scheduled an x-ray to see where the food was lodged. The results indicated he had a partial airway blockage and surgery was needed to remove it. Right after the x-ray was performed Michael began to feel sick, so he dashed for the bathroom. We’ll just say his body dispensed the lodged piece of roast on its own and, thankfully, no surgery was needed. And I learned the difference between broil and bake. (In case you are confused, or not kitchen savvy either, cooking it on broil just cooked the outside only. The inside was quite raw, which lead to him choking.)
- Since I don’t like to give up, some time later I decided to be super lofty and make a corned beef ( a personal favorite). Now, I’ll be honest and say I don’t really remember the events leading up to this one, but Michael and I clearly remember opening the oven and the corned beef immediately catching on fire. As if the air that it hit was just the fuel it needed to combust. Because just the corned beef was on fire, my male hero put his gloves on, threw his hands around the pan, and quickly tossed it in the sink and showered it with water. Probably not the best idea looking back, to just grab it like that I mean. We had to throw away the pan. And, yes, the corned beef.
These three incidences alone halted my cooking for years. Michael told me I wasn’t allowed to cook for a while. Thankfully, he really enjoys cooking, plus he’s super good at it! I’ve been trying to get back in to it recently, against my desire to do so, but I just feel like a bad wife. He doesn’t pressure me at all, which I’m thankful for but I feel like I’m not in some cool wives club. Every time we have get togethers with friends and we have the “what should I bring?” conversation I hope someone tells me something I can easily pick up at Publix, or that I can coax Michael into cooking, which he usually does. All our friends already know that what we do bring that is homemade, was made by him. They don’t even ask me any more. “Wow, Mike, this is so good. What did you put in it?” I really don’t mind. It’s not as if I want any credit, I just want to be a better wife.
Two weeks ago I made some kind of pasta chicken with chicken noodle soup–or something. (I think it was on the back of a can). It seemed easy enough. I won’t lie when I say I was a little excited, just KNOWING my endeavor was going to be successful. The recipe said to cut the chicken in to strips, but I did mine in tiny bite sized pieces so Blake could easily eat them. Well, apparently that changes things, because when the pieces are smaller then they cook faster, which means they shouldn’t be cooked as long as the original recipe says. When the timer buzzed and I opened the oven, I found tiny bits of chicken all shriveled up to look like charcoaled jerky. Admittedly, I continued to make the meal thinking it wouldn’t be AS dry and hard when the sauce had a chance to soak in. Michael was sweet enough to try, and after a few bites I broke the silence and apologized for it being so terrible, dry, and gross. As usual, he applauded by efforts and made dinner. One that was edible. 🙂
I said after that night I was giving up. But, I say that and I just keep trying. My poor family.
Well, I came across a super easy recipe for “pancakes”, if that’s what you want to call them. This morning I decided to try them. Plus, it’s a lot healthier than a regular pancake mix.
When I saw those ingredients my heart did a little dance!
Step 1) Mash up a banana in a bowl
Step 2) Put 2 eggs in the same bowl
Step 3) Stir and mix together
Step 4) Add cinnamon
Step 5) Pour into a pan, like a pancake!
Step 6) Dance around the kitchen and celebrate!
Okay, I added that 6th one in there. And yes, I actually did a dance.
I did add a bit of syrup, which wasn’t necessary but it’s kind of a mental thing for me, that when you have “pancakes” you have to have syrup! I use the quotation marks because, are they REALLY pancakes?
I don’t even like cinnamon, but it was pretty tasty with this!
I feel like now I need to do a Google search for “EASY 3 ingredient recipes”, as long as the ingredients aren’t too complicated. I wish there was a Google search disclaimer where I could add, “there has never been a report of fire, partial airway blockage, or tetanus shot needed when making this recipe”.
So, if you have any EASY 3 ingredient recipes I’d love to hear them. I need all the ease I can get. Like, a 5 year old could make it, kind of easy. May be I should go back to my 5 year old days of an Easy Back Oven. I never seemed to have any trouble then…
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