I’ve wrestled a lot with this post. How to begin. What exactly to write. What to say. What to admit. What not to mention. I’ve sat at my computer for 2 days wanting so badly to just get it out.
Then, I was encouraged by a supportive and lovely group of moms on a Facebook group that I’m a member of after I said this:
I hope I’m not the only mom who on somedays just wishes she wasn’t a mom….There are days I just wish things could go back to easy.
Easy. Is anything easy any more? Marriage, work, school, buying a house. Heck, even picking out my clothes every morning isn’t easy. (Personal problem. I’m indecisive.) Simply, life isn’t easy. Raising a child definitely isn’t easy, and it wasn’t meant to be. I get it. With all the added “life” pressure, raising a child can sometimes send one over their threshold. Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I think Blake is teething. Or he has a cold. Or both. Kids get sick, and it happens. My child isn’t the only one, but that doesn’t make it any easier. He was pretty unconsolable the majority of the day. He wouldn’t let me put him down and holding him was getting tiring. So I placed him in my Ergo Baby and made my rounds walking and bouncing around the house. FOR HOURS. At one point I had made laps around my house trying to keep him moving. The moment I sat down he would start crying. I attempted to be productive. I did the dishes, laundry, vacuumed, cleaned toilets, and did some general tidying. After that was done I saw on the clock it was only 11AM. SOMEONE SHOOT ME! I wanted to get out of my house and walk around a store, but knew he was just too fussy to take out into public. I didn’t want anyone to come to my house, for fear of them contracting the cold that I’m still not sure he really has (green mucus, coughing, fussiness….calling it teething, but who knows?) I felt trapped in my own home. I attempted to distract him by playing but he would just smash his face in the carpet and cry. By 11:30 I knew it was going to be a long day. And it was. I wanted to just escape. Or bang my head against the wall. Tonight my back still hurts from toting him around all day. I don’t know how I managed to keep myself going. At one point I just cried. I cried because I wanted what I didn’t have anymore. EASE. Peace. I cried because it’s my summer vacation off from being a teacher and I’m selfish about my independence and wanting to do what I want to do, like I do every summer vacation. Sleep in. Watch trash TV. Stuff my face. Go shopping. Have lunch with friends. Stay up really late. And do it all over again the next day.
I’ve had numerous days like this. Days where, admittedly, I just don’t want to be a mom anymore. (Insert part where I convince negative readers how much I love my son.)
Yesterday I just wanted to throw in the towel and say “Here. Someone else take over.” I felt overwhelmed. There were, what felt like, a thousand things I needed to accomplish and I couldn’t do any of them. These are the days I just want to drop my mic and go home. But, this is home. This is life.
These are the days where I question my mommy hood and wonder if I’m truly cut out for this. Maybe all those desires to want to be a mom were just society telling me that I was of motherly age and it was the natural thing to do.
As I was making laps around my house yesterday (couldn’t go outside for a walk as it was raining) my mind began to wander about days before. You know, the simpler days. At the time they didn’t seem simple, but they so were! Work, come home and spend time with hubby, have dinner, veg, go to bed. We’d spend our time in bed discussing what we wanted to do over the weekend. My Sunday’s were very well planned out back then. Church, coupon, grocery shop, clean. I loved Sundays!
What did I do with all that free time I had? It all seems like a distant memory now. Another life. I want to crawl through a portal and just visit that place every once in a while. It isn’t as if I don’t want this life at all. But I want a break. Not just the kind of break where someone else takes my kid for the day, but the kind of break where I have my old life and my old thoughts, just for a day. Not a lifetime. Just one day every once in a while.
And I dismiss these thoughts because it seems so wrong. This is the kind of thing people are judged for. I’ll give you an example.
When I posted in my moms group, one person in particular seemed appalled at my declaration. She said that she loved her child too much to ever have such thoughts and that if I felt this way then I should’ve given my child up for adoption. So cruel. For a moment I felt ashamed and wondered if I should delete my post completely, because may be I’m awful!
But, all other 40+ comments that I received were in complete agreement. That’s when I knew I wasn’t a horrible mom, that we’re all just human, and everyone wants an escape once in a while.
You can escape many things in life. Don’t like your house? Move. Not happy in your marriage? Divorce (not that I condone this of course) Hate your job? Find a new one. Don’t like the shirt you’re wearing? Donate it and buy a new one. Unhappy with the restaurant you just ate at? Leave and don’t return. You can even file a complaint to the manager! Once you’re a mom there’s just no going back, even if you DO give up your child for adoption. Once a mom, always a mom.
I was standing in line at the Target check-out a few days ago and the woman behind me was raving about how cute Blake was. In his natural happy self, he was smiling and giggling at her. But he’d also had a rough night, and that was fresh in my mind, and I was quite tired. She said “Oh, enjoy these times. They really go by so quickly. My kids are all grown up.” I grinned and agreed and told her that I was soaking up everything. I was thinking something else though. I wondered if she ever had the same thoughts I’m having.
I wonder if I’m going to say the same thing as this lady to another mom one day. And I wonder if I’d judge that mom if she turned to me and said “Did you really feel that way 10 years ago? Do you really mean that? Are you just glad you’re out of this stage and are TRYING to make me feel like these are the best moments of my life? Because they’re not. I’m tired and I want things to go back the way they were.” I hope I would be understanding to that mom because these are my thoughts on some days.
When I say I wish things would go back to the way they were, I’m not even exactly sure what I’m referring to other than “before baby.”
I was once a music lover. While I suppose that’s something you don’t lose, a love of music, I guess I’ve lost the luster, because I’ve lost a lot of time.
Yesterday during my baby-Ergo-bouncing hours, I tried to sing to Blake. At this point I was trying to entertain myself (and him of course) out of pure boredom. I decided in my mind to put together a Top 5 list of my favorite songs. This time allowed me to relieve my music-crazed days and be in the now with my son.
In case you need a mommy break, here you go…
(In no particular order)
EVERYONE NEEDS A BREAK. Even moms. No, ESPECIALLY moms.
May be every once in a while I want the freedom to be able to have my “Mommy Moment” (Ahem–complain) without being judged.
No matter the ease of my son’s age, there are always going to be bad days where I’ll want to get away. Just like I want to escape any other job I have.
Life goes on.
Now I’m going to hug my baby boy!